The doctor at the Ayurveda healing village arranged that I be sent to another center for integration from an in depth, month long panchakarma. I cannot speak to that experience at this time. Yet, the vision of the old Eagle who declaws, debeaks and defeathers itself to prolong its life and rebirth anew, has been a steady friend.
I was escorted by the head of operations to ease the fragility of my nerves as the original planned escort was rearranged twice, forcing me to meet how quickly a change in plans can derail me from my faith. Oh expectations.
A gorgeous two hour car ride through the southern India state of Kerala and I arrived at a small retirement center resembling a boutique hotel surrounded by palms, banana trees, wild peacocks and paddy fields. I am the only foreigner for a good 50 miles.
Most people would be overjoyed by, I believe dream of, being escorted to a place in paradise to be fed, listen to birds, live in beauty and relax. From the moment my doctor suggested I come here there was resistance in my soul. However, in the middle of treatment a few weeks back, a voice told me very lovingly that I was not to plan my next step, not even think about where I was supposed to be in the future. That all of my attention needed to be in the present and that I would be carried step to step. Meaning I was being asked to completely let go of control.
Letting go of control is a black belt move. And yet, the shadow of such a move is that it can be taken to extremes and bypass one’s intuition and participation in the natural flow of Life. I want nothing more than to be purely guided by Source, and it is my duty to stand in my own authority when something doesn’t feel right. It takes skill and many failed attempts (there is no such thing as failing) to align these two forces.
I got out of the car to a team of bright eyed, eager Indians, one doctor and two assistants ready to serve my every need, who adorned me with garlands of flowers, a rose and fresh coconut in hand. I literally looked behind me as though they had mistaken me for someone else, waiting for another being to emerge from the car. I was disoriented, still slathered with the oils that Ayurveda smothers the body with, in the same clothes I had worn for weeks because of the oil, and I wanted to run.
“Where’s my straw hut by the beach with the hippie kirtan team singing to the sunset and the yoga teacher I had been calling in, the temples, and the experiences of profound “spirituality” I prayed for”.
The place is owned by a small family, many of which live here; 9 sisters ranging 55-80 and the few husbands still in body. Isn’t that typically the scene- gaggles of old women, a few stragglers of men. They are overjoyed by me. Overjoyed and overconcerned with my every move.
There are a lot of rules in Ayurveda, and Indian culture, mostly for good reason, splashed with outdated traditions. One is to avoid the sun which I did 95% in treatment, but I am no longer in treatment. My body needs Sun, Earth, naked barefoot living, wandering alone in unfamiliar lands to enliven my feral and intuitive senses - and here I was captive.
I rejected the oil massages after two days. I wandered barefoot into the paddy fields where after 10 minutes someone came looking for me. 5 times a day I get a knock on the door of my room to deliver some food or medicine, typically when I am finally getting the nap I have been craving for weeks.
I was rebelling inside. Rage, anxiety, despair, fear, worry, blame of myself and others. Exacerbating my conditions. Looping into an old story that this whole thing isn’t working, “see nothing works and he did this wrong, and I wasn’t listened to, and stop touching me like that, there is nothing wrong with me, leave me alone, what’s wrong with me!?”
This is deep. There is a long held scream emerging from all of the love being poured upon me, from the healing that is happening, that has nothing to do with this moment. She simply can’t handle the light- yet. I am trying to love her and she is strong.
I was finally able to find some grace and speak as an adult for my body’s needs in cooperation with the loving staff.
So why am I here really? That exploration requires a day long satsang.
Distilled down, I need support and rest. There is a tear in my left shoulder that likely became worse in the last month by abandoning my sovereign authority combined with my inherited pushing nature, thus the rage and blame episodes. But hey, there are no accidents and I am no victim. On a more comprehensive level, I needed to get a clear view of how I rile against, refuse and rebel against love and healing in the most existential aspects of body, mind and heart.
There is a wisdom within me, it is the voice of Mother, it speaks through the body and an umbilicus that is forever connected to the Divine. Simply put it is innate intuition. My path is as clear and beautiful as my ability to hear and heed this voice. I always know exactly where to go, what to eat, what to say, how to be, how to recieve what is meant for me. But loud patterns overpower and rebel against what is always whispering, patiently and lovingly awaiting for the ear of my heart to catch a little drift.
On one hand this part of me is trying to protect herself in response to an environment, where on an intuitive level tells her she cannot get her needs met, and on the other she is trying to establish her own, healthy differentiation in her development. Both are gravely destructive when disconnected from long term, sustainable wisdom. This deviation has been ingrained by living within a society formed by desecration of the feminine, of Mother’s wisdom and Love that speaks primarily through the many aspects of the body.
My mother tells a “miracle” story.
When I was but a year old I woke up in the middle of the night, walked down a dark hallway to the bathroom, sat on my little potty and trained myself. My mom never had to potty train me from that moment on. Miracle or rebellion? Extraoridinary intelligence or survival tactic? It’s a mixed bag.
These actions (karmas) and rebellions are called prajnaparadha, a Sanskrit term meaning crimes against wisdom. Thus the need for spiritual practices that illuminate our naïveté and restore us to live in sync with natural law, Mother, God, the Divine illumination within us.
So rather than run around India on my agenda, I was sent to a place that would exacerbate this pattern for my highest good. Trust in my Self has always been my deepest prayer - and all prayers are answered.
I need structure. I need to be wrangled a bit. I have a STRONG core which in part has been created by defenses. I am an Aries woman, my Mars, Venus and Sun are exalted in my Vedic chart. When those powers aren’t cultivated properly I can be my own worst enemy.
Boundaries are a primal need in each of us. Many of us are lacking this intelligence as we never had the proper teachings as children to educate our mind- body complex. When boundaries are taught and enforced by proper teachers and practices, they awaken the child’s sense of belonging, their trust in love, trust in their inborn guiding light and respect for Life and its natural laws- which speak more fluently through a mind-body that has been conditioned properly.
The rebel is allowed to exist but shaped to express in creative ways through the use of ceremonial rites of passage and dedicated practices that humble the rebel fire into a form that doesn’t destroy. This process is expansive rather than restrictive, which is the great yet valid fear within the rebel archetype.
We do need rebels confronting boundaries created by nefarious institutions. Yet, without the proper structures to replace what is rightfully being rejected, then we develop complexes like addiction, mob mentality and many societal illnesses.
Without the proper teachers and initiations, a large subconscious part of us stays in rebellion. This eventually silences the voice of natural law within us, driving us to destroy our own livelihood in various subtle and overt ways, and thus the livelihood of life around us. The natural psychological, mythical and spiritual drive for healthy differentiation and sovereignty remains in a detrimental infancy.
Although the rebellion often looks like an act of war, destruction, evil- it is possible, highly probable, that it is a deep cry for Mother, order and structure delivered by that which created us. We cannot escape our innate drive for deliverance. This does not pardon the rebellion, but it does expand the heart’s understanding so that compassion, and conscious wisdom, can hold space as we as try to corral our inner rebel and shift how we look upon the external conflicts that rise from this complex.
Our perception, when connected to an embodied and expanded consciousness of what we are witnessing, holds a powerful resonant vibration. We lay down our fight and restructure our acts of resistance to postures of inviolable love. This ripples out and creates new patterns.
This begins within.
So here I am, surrendering to 9 simple elder sisters singing an hour of Bhajans every night, applauding as I sing the Gayatri Mantra with my harp, a twinkly eyed young doctor who lovingly witnesses my resistance, tending an abandoned snake shrine and paddy fields. The spiritual experience that I was not expecting, not wanting, but deep down desperately crying out for. Don’t worry I am being gentle with myself. Maybe more than I ever have been.
Thanks for looking in on me. (A mantra and poem below, excuse recording quality)
~My spiritual discipline came by way of soft swaying palms, wild peacocks, paddy fields and-
The Mantra sung inside The Temple upon each sunset and rise. Whispered again when I wander from the altar at my feet.
I return upon a beckoning from the divine word. Its hymns carry the resonant wisdom of my timeless soul always at home.
A gentle grace is a choice away, to breathe and reunite the many fires of the mind with the One steady flame-
and be guided to the awakening through Love.
It couldn’t ever be otherwise.~
Yes to this! "I want nothing more than to be purely guided by Source, and it is my duty to stand in my own authority when something doesn’t feel right."
Wishing you healing and peace and rest and whatever your Soul is most needing on all levels.