Oof~An Open Letter

Bullying- vulnerability- oneness

I must share this thread that was woven last night, that began its bobbing a couple of weeks ago through a very vulnerable post I made to my local community in our “Peninsula Kin” Signal app group of around 200 people.

~Last night I was interviewing, and being interviewed, for a community living arrangement here with some of my peninsula family. I am not particularly calling in this kind of arrangement, but I got a strong nudge that I needed to show up at this house. I don’t ignore those nudges. All went well. It was a love bubble of “yes please move in”. Yet, I was still questioning why I was almost strong armed to explore what I knew was a NO for me (and not because of the people).

One of the housemates. a young woman who works as a youth counselor, came home late as I was about to leave. She made food, sat down, looked at me and said-

“You wrote an open letter.”

She repeated herself as it was obvious my mind had not caught her message fully.

~“You read that? Oof, it was such a vulnerable moment for me that I could not hold back.”

“Yes, I didn’t know who wrote the letter as your name was inked out to protect your privacy, so I had to shine a light over it and I vaguely saw your name, and well, there is only one Shira Starfire here, so…”

I was confused.

~“You mean it was printed out and you read it?”

“Yes. It was printed out and put on the teacher’s desks to read because of the importance of the topic. I highlighted a lot of it. You are a voice Shira.”

Well, I am realizing more and more that, that is all I am- a Voice.

Unless you’re sitting in the mystery of a moment like this - it can’t be explained. And why I follow my threads is that I LOVE riding the magic carpet they weave.

That open letter was a grueling, honest, vulnerable, ugly, heartfelt outpouring of pain that had been locked away. And not just within my body- because there is no “only my body”.

The glint in the Goddess’s eye was shining on me and I understood, for a fleeting moment, how impersonal my life is. I am Her voice. To block the expressions and experiences with judgement of how God moves in me is what keeps me in the illusion of separation- sick, stuck, freaked out on control.

To, oof, sit back, allow, witness, feel the feels about how it sounds, looks, what it means about me and let it go, surrendering how it lands- is the work. I was unraveling ties around validation by validating my Self and all the parts that move within the story of Life coming back into balance through me.

I Am That which moves the wind and I am the parts that forgot how to fly upon the currents of Life.

The moment that woman revealed the impact of this letter brought me to that pinnacle position of the luminous Self at play with matter. I so don’t get how this works- AND here I sit with an awareness in my body that is hauling my DNA out of delusion and forgetfulness.

This is a LONG intro to this letter, but it needs this prefacing. I am not cleaning the letter up. It is in its original form. Take a break, get some tea, thanks for reading…

An Open Letter to My Kin

~Hey Beloved Ones,

Thank you for receiving this long note that has been living in me all winter… 

Some of you have known me for quite some time in various ways, and if you are reading this and have no idea who I am- bless you for taking the time. 

I am meeting a very deep wound around community, self worth and safety.  A wound I thought I had addressed but I was actually running away from for years.  

And what is happening to my body, has been happening in my body for years, is large in part because of a wound around safety with others.  

And safety in my body in general.  

What wants to be witnessed is what I literally could not access until my knees and my shoulder all gave out with extreme pain at the same time over the last 2 years which crescendoed this last winter rendering me unable to leave the house and needing help with literally almost everything outside of showering and cooking, and to be honest- I actually could have used help with that.  

Before this, as many of you know, I was unable to show up for things when invited and I attributed it to “illness” which was/is actually a defense mechanism for me.  It was not “illness” and it was of course.  It was/is my nervous system- My belief system.  Some days I could barely operate a car. 

Facing the self created aspects of all of this and taking responsibility has been a powerfully humbling journey.  

I have not felt safe in my body 99% of my life.  Nowhere for me was safe as a child.  

I was severely bullied in school physically and verbally for many years (I mean it was fucked up) and then chose a father who did the same when I went home until I was forced to leave my house at 16 and live with friends.  The cherry on top was being raised as a Jehovah's witness until the age of 11- so not even God was safe for me.  Nowhere was.  

I have been in hyper arousal all of my life with this armor running the show and then multiple addictions to compensate.  

This is all context for you and because I NEVER told anyone about how painful being attacked by my peers was because I had NO ONE to tell.  I buried it so deep that despite all the ceremonial healing work I have done this piece never dawned on me to explore.  Also because it is/was connected to a very serious ancestral wound around sexual abuse and the Protector part that was created in the family line, reinforced by my life experiences. 

It now shows up by having little internal nervous breakdowns in public and total freeze if I begin to share anything true to my soul.

I have had moments of course, as you have witnessed, of seemingly “normal” functioning.  And that was only when I felt good about myself for sharing one of my gifts (rightfully so).  But mostly I could only survive within a group  if my body looked good enough- if I felt pretty enough.  I lived by my looks all of my life as  I largely believed that was all I was good for. This attachment was life threatening.  

I never felt how deeply lodged in my body all of that pain and terror was until now, until being stopped completely by and having all of my vices stripped away.  I see how facing this anytime before would have likely overwhelmed me to the point of danger.  The journeys and initiations of my last 13 years chiseled away just enough for this to emerge “safely”.  It has been horribly holy.   

When I was in India, super sick and in massive pain in the middle of a record breaking heat wave, I delayed coming back here because I was too ashamed to be seen by anyone.  I was hoping to seek communities that don’t know me so I could begin again and avoid the feelings of how terribly disappointing I have been to all of you. Massive ego.  Big pain.  I could unpack that shadow for  days.  

“What’s wrong with her, why can’t she get it together, she’s unreliable.”

Spirit has been asking me to stop for a long time, since I moved here 8 years ago for sure (and before), and I have fought back by trying to get up and become something and do things  for fear of survival rather than surrender to the cycle of death.   And because, like most of us, I deeply love my life and want to share that love and keep trying no matter what.  

 God got me good.  I am grateful and I am terrified. 

The only way to heal this wound is within the structure in which it was created- with community.

It is terrifying because my nervous system literally goes into full on freeze.   It’s beyond fear- and it’s painful.   I walk into a room and track everything in that room but myself. And rather than be uplifted by the joy in the room, I am wired to absorb all the shadow in the room so that I can protect myself.  My boundaries have been beyond blurry.  

I lose Me completely.  The learned and assumed rejection response in me kicks in and projects a neediness, and a lot of other personality traits I severely judged myself for, out into the collective field, or directly onto others, and so I kept shaming myself and trying to fix it by becoming someone or something of value to my community to compensate, rather than feel it and face it. 

Walking into a room of people is like getting hit with a thousand arrows- and not Cupid’s kind.  I am aware of this part of me now with extraordinary precision and compassion and that’s not enough. I need to go into the “danger” zone and get out in community in ways that truly feel good to me, as I am, and train a new safety and self love muscle.   

This child in me, I, her sweet body that has been through a war, deserves to feel safe. 

This child needs to f-ing play- in all the ways- without feeling like she is going to be annihilated for being seen having any joy or expressing any beauty.   

This is an inside job and largely between me and God.  I can hold her and sing to her and breathe with her in your presence and feel crappy for days afterward, from all of the chemical release of fight and flight flooding my body, until I don’t anymore. 

I can no longer wait until I am “better” until I show up.  And, I will be taking baby steps  
And I need your help:

In a world that needs so many prayers, I am asking for prayers for the healing of my body.  Even 50% joy and safety would be amazing.  The dance of joy in my legs for simply being alive being me!!  For continued faith.  

When I show up somewhere with all the shame flaring up and self worthlessness and guilt and pain crowding out my heart, and I sit to the side, or stay quiet, or leave early, or have my eyes closed with my hand on my heart, it is because I am literally retraining my body/mind.  I am reparenting.  So, in a way, see me with a beautiful and very tender child. 

If I say “I am coming” and I cancel last minute, it is because I have to truly live in the moment with what is present in order to create this steady build of safety- While testing my edges.   And don’t assume it is because I am hurting.  Or assume what you want actually.  That is the greater medicine for me.  To relearn this deep self love and to honor my true yes and no and what really turns me on in life.   And I do LOVE alone time as long as it is not isolation time.  

Learning. Loving. 

I don’t need anything else but your witness when you see me out and about.  Hugs.  Normalcy.  Laughs.  Silent presence.  Sharing about you!- Gosh to hear about another life other than the one rambling around in my head… all welcome.   

I am a necessary, gorgeous, deeply loving, wise, weird and wobbly little flower in this garden we are all trying to grow together who needs help cracking through a bit of sticky shell.   

There are many loud voices telling me not to send this.  And of course this isn’t the whole story, and I can see how I want to defer to the beauty and wisdom of my life and keep this piece to myself. I have tried everything to avoid being seen in this pain that  I have been suffocating all of my life- except sharing this vulnerability. 

Thank you. I love you.  

Blessings.  Shira Starfire