Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder

AND PSYCHEDLIC MUSHROOMS- (a client story)

Make a cup a loose leaf tea from the local apothecary, steep slow, breathe deep, take a sip and sink into the slow for a minute-

With permission I share this story about a man who confronted his life long diagnosis of treatment resistant bipolar 2 disorder with the use of psilocybin mushrooms and proper care. He is still very much in the unraveling and will continue to have experiences that bring up his deepest psychological blocks and fears. Yet he has opened a new chapter in the long sold story of misidentification.

Al (let’s call him) was referred to me by his therapist. Now, I am not on the up and outs right now, very much in the unders. Wandering that part of the labyrinth where I realize the path eats itself and that the void is my only way through. Yet, when the Goddess sends me someone She has her reasons and I follow along.

Al is mid 60s, had a successful career, is well known and loved in his community and an avid outdoorsman. He lost his job 5 years ago due to his diagnosis, that for the prior many years had never been an issue because he was on fire, or what DMS-5-TR would call a long term manic episode. He accomplished things in a week that would take most a few, slept light and lived full hearted. He loved his job.

But all came crashing down. Since then his mental state has been up and down as per usual, and then wham!- for the last 9 months he collapsed into a deep depressive state with serious bouts of suicidal ideation. His insomnia amplified.

Within 30 mins of listening to his story I knew that his diagnosiswas a death sentence for any hope of healing in his life. That without staring that identity in the face, slowly and intimately listening to the patterns before making any sudden move or judgement, he would remain trapped and transformation would be futile. This wasn’t to cast out the reality of his symptoms, it was to reorganize his relationship to them and therefore, hopefully, himself.

No one has ever had a steady solution for him because most of the modern psychology community is stuck in analyzing the organism sitting in front of them made of stardust, an old Eagle talon, lost Grandfather songs, lost lovers, a dying mother and every Tree that breathes for our being here -through a lens that a blade of grass could barely whistle through.

Various medications would help for a handful of years, then he would become resistant to them and land in a suicidal hole on the downswing. This lead to a diagnosis of “treatment resistant” which the doctors explained as, “we don’t have an answer for you until there is another medication that surfaces that might help you.”

The system anesthetizes Nature from the diagnosis/treatment model, yet are happy to harvest Her body, manipulate the raw, life giving material, into poisons for profit without asking, saying thank you, a prayer or love song. If the meds had any life left in them, I would think they would be pretty pissed off- and that goes in the body.

It does matter.

I won’t throw the penicillin out with the bath water- now full of chlorine, chemical fertilizers and pharmaceutical drugs being released into the environment- but I will continue to advocate for balance and a shift in consciousness around health, healing, disease and keeping all players at the table in right relationship with the master Herself- Life.

What I felt in his presence was not a manic, and definitely not a depressive, man- but a man with a gift that most don’t unpack in this life. He, in his “high” was living fully from his heart, in a grounded state of bliss, actions of love and courage pouring from him.

We are a numb society. To live fully, completely and mystically ecstatic is foreign and so feared for the countercultural conditioning it confronts that it is pathologized. He has particular signatures and no one has ever crossed his path to see them clearly. His life is void of the proper rituals, initiations, mentors and healers that break through these cycles by addressing the whole human.

When a heightened level of sensitivity and creative genius is not cultivated properly, and life hits in the way it does with pain from all directions, then that wide open state can easily flip into the opposite. There is no balance, no wholeness. No teacher to explain that his great capacity for Heaven will consistently dance with its exact opposite until it is all seen as one seesaw where he is the one at play on both sides. We cannot hang on to one state of being while pushing away the other or we never reach the shore and find our footing in life.

Also, his depression was not a flaccid, concave, sog of symptoms. How he presented to me was someone in resistance, pushing away and depressing something vital in great fear. He presents as a force of nature, a lover of life- with a block in the flow of that expression. His natural emotional sensitivity, his real love of people, dedication to being of service and love of nature is why I believe his symptoms are so intensified- it is also what has kept him alive. The wound is often tied up with the gift.

If he had been born into a indigenous minded society then the potential for this imbalance to exist may be greatly limited. He would be given proper teaching to understand and work with his unique patterning and gifts, there would be rituals that reestablish wholeness and a greater sense of belonging to a wider, Universal family. He may be asked,

When was the last time you sang? When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you sat in silence? When was the last time you heard or told a story that moved the heart? ~ Old shamanic wisdom

Now we must include- tell me about your childhood, your dreams at night, moments of pain through out your life.

Despite this clarity I had about him, I was not convinced at first that a big dose journey would help. His resistance was thick. His mind was a battering Ram, which as a quadruple Aries I know a lot about. Being with rather than pushing against is the hardest bit to retrain in the brain. I was cautious about inducing an extreme state as that is his propensity. I am also very cautious to take anyone on that thinks “this is the ticket, the savior, the fix” because that will backfire in the long run. I agreed to proceed slowly and under certain conditions.

So we began a microdosing plan, looked at his overall picture of health from all angles and his spiritual practices if there were any. The microdosing was a test to see how he would respond to psychedelics. He did well, but his immense suffering kept him in suicidal loops so I agreed to a medium dose journey after discussing all of the potential risks, getting his team on board and having him sign a waiver of release.

His journey was painful. No breakthrough. 5 hours of resistance or what he calls “El Toro”. But!- in the days following there were no detramental mood swings, which was the main concern. And then a battle with suicide emerged, that he moved through, and it was gone. From that moment, in very subtle ways, he began to shift. This is how the medicine works. It will bring a rush of the most terrifying pain to the surface in an attempt to get the energy to move, to work it out, to stare the whole shadow down so we can live to tell about it from a different perspective, from our hearts.

This was a great sign, and what I had assumed about his brain, that he could move forward with more psychedelic support if needed. I referred him out to someone who does psilocybin + MDMA therapy as I sensed that the heart opening of the MDMA could help him soften the resistance to the mushrooms. That almost happened, but as the Goddess would have it, he was meant to stay the course with me.

We worked on mindset for the weeks leading up to the next journey. I guided his tendencies to seek an annihilation of the pain towards a more expansive reframing, incorporating transpersonal psychology, spirituality and shamanic wisdom. And rather than focusing on the seriousness of the weight upon him, we worked on having fun, leaning back and enjoying the ride as though he was with his buddies trippin in the mountains. This helped take the pressure off.

The day of the journey he showed up laughing with a smile on his face. He ingested 5.5 grams of psychedelic mushrooms, laid back and within an hour was blown open into joy. He was able to speak aloud about people he loved, the struggles of his mother, the early death of his best friend, one of his brothers and his father. He contacted his “fuck this shit” attitude, his anger and a standing up for himself. He shed tears.

It wasn’t explosive, it wasn’t swirls of visions, it was exactly what he needed- a shepherding hand to crack the window in the overheated house and let the movement of Life back in. He contacted his true nature, his ever present joy and the soulful man he is at his core.

His friends cheered him on. One of them escorted him to and from the journey. SO much was on his side. I just stood back and watched the Divine at loving play with Her child.

Since his journey he has been much more heart centered and stabilized. He is now confronting his need for a dedicated daily spiritual practice. He has a challenge ahead as his mind has been running the same deep grooves for decades if not longer. But what I have witnessed is that there is a strength and wisdom within all of us that trumps the fear of the time and energy it takes to begin anew.

Healing and change require patience, faith, commitment and abiding by the laws of nature. Nature is seeking balance and that power is greater than any poison. We had numerous examples during the pandemic of smog over cities clearing by over *50% in a matter of months from the slowing down of the running around.

In a sense a big chunk of the collective ego was wrangled to a stop and look what happened. But the addictive patterns in most of us couldn’t see this miracle because everyone’s fears were amplified and took over. Instead all eyes were set to a browned out horizon where we “get back to normal”.

If we never let go, never try, we will never know that shepherding hand that slides in to help. We are not alone and when we choose love, love responds 1000 fold. It takes work. The ego will disguise itself as that hand many times and try to push an old agenda that may sound like wisdom in the moment. Stay the course, stay aligned to your faith, find someone to work with who can help you travel these levels of the psyche because it is the work that pays in ways that stand the test of time.

This shepherding hand is especially amplified when we commit daily as a way of life, rather than achieving a goal to fix something. We learn to settle in to where we are as perfect and that we are on a journey into the unknown. We talk to ourselves differently because we love. We sit in meditation, watch our mind and use the genius of our will to choose new pathways that align to a higher truth- because we love. We feel what it is in the moment to its fullest because we love. We accept all parts of ourselves- because we LOVE.

Al realizes that the deeper healing comes through in his moment to moment commitment to new habits, deep breaths, looking upon himself from a new vista, witnessing the resistance rather than gloving up, staying consistent with his sleep hygiene and basic bodily health and continuing to move towards the wisdom that there is NO wound without its medicine.

These medicines, of Earth and Heaven, that hold the codes of Life, can open a window of new awareness upon a once closed system of belief. Yet, there are those individuals who should not partake, whose minds have been so altered over time for various reasons that they need a med to safely function. But that is a small minority and what we have swung into is feeding the majority with a diagnosis and treatment model that limits their potential. Until now.

Blessed be,

Shira Starfire

*https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2022/when-air-and-road-travel-decreased-during-covid-so-did-pollution-levels/