(This is long and delicate so thank you for reading)…
At some point in the last year I had a very wise one look at me and say “Shira, I have little doubt about your path. In order to fully embody that Love you walk with you also have to feel all that is not that Love.”
I took a bow and in my slightly shaking heart said “not a problem”. I was already on it.
A part of me subconsciously decided a very long time ago that the life story I was handed was not the full picture. Although I could not consciously access anything of the sort for decades, something was always there keeping my head above water just enough to faintly see a distant shore. I knew that my illnesses, addictions and suffering were not the end game or the dream in my heart. Yet, I have also come to know that they have been a very strategic part of the path I chose before descending into Gaia’s womb.
For too many years I could not materialize the mythic, Universal, all loving wisdom that speaks inside of and guides me on a daily basis. I was terrified to name it directly because I was still suffering in ways I was ashamed to reveal. I was entangled in some identity crisis and belief system that in order to “prove God and Love” I had to demonstrate success as our industrialized, consumption driven society has named success. That I had to have all the stuff as proof or no one would believe me.
Needing anyone to believe or validate me were some of the many entrapments I had to die to in order to heal and rebirth myself. Low self worth and extreme self doubt inundated my daily life.
I try to center myself around embodied truth. I don’t want to regurgitate something I have not digested and assimilated into my being. Thus, the proof I was seeking came when I turned to the only Source that can provide such an inheritance. A restoration of vitality, peace in my heart and clear connection to my path is worth more than any external accolade. And, as humans, being mirrored and received by other humans is also a necessary part of our healing- as long as we aren’t seeking validation through our wounds {entirely}. Anyhow, I have completed a very long cycle.
~Maybe you have heard “you are never done healing.” I disagree, or I would like to reframe that. The maladies of your current human path are absolutely on the table for total healing, they are a large part of why you came to Earth. The maladies of our current collective narrative are also on the table for total healing which will happen on a much greater timeline than our 70-120 year human lifespan. Yet, your healing advances that collective evolutionary jump in timelines to a new story. So who knows what we will see in the coming decades.
We are here to heal and then evolve into a new dimensional reality in mind-heart- soul. As this shift happens we take on new challenges. You could call that continued healing, but it takes a different shape than the linear, three dimensional, limiting belief systems that afflict the current body-mind- soul. It takes the shape of the highest human potential which is a return to the conscious awareness that we are Love interconnected with Universal wisdom through a body.
This happens when the human seeking healing has brought into her epigenetic ancestral history, her soul history, her human and Universal DNA and cellular anatomy the embodiment of such love. One little cell at a time is sufficient until there is a tipping point where there is enough innate, primordial power in her that there is no longer room for the old stories to exist or dominate.
This has to be done consistently and gently. The complexes of suffering that each of us walk with, the addictions and patterns of pain that live within our nervous system have been placed there to sustain something- often long before we were born. Yes, it is something that has {mostly} worn out, but the habit that now hurts and the addiction that afflicts suffering were safety nets at one point in the life cycles of your soul and your ancestors. To unhinge them from your scaffolding without anything to replace them can potentially lead to greater confusion and a nervous breakdown. You must have enough truth and wisdom in place to navigate the rebirth.
One of my mentors explained - “imagine pouring clean, illuminated water into a cup with oil stuck to the bottom. All of that oil dislodges and rises to the surface and there is only one way to let it out all the way- feel it, witness it, surrender to it, cling to the Truth you can’t currently feel pushing it out, pray and bless it as it sloughs off. Your body is that cup.”
~As I have shared (link at bottom), this winter I went through a process of death and rebirth. I attracted into my path the exact circumstances and healing support I needed for a major multidimensional skin shedding. There was a very old, 3 decades old, habit called trichotillomania (I pulled out my eyelashes compulsively) living in me that fed deep and painful shame loops. I could not create anything without hurting myself through this habit. Anything you have read of mine before these last few posts came at the cost of my nervous system and my beautiful eyes.
This habit emerged from something pre birth. No matter what I did, including one day just throwing up may hands and saying “fine, you can be here, I will just not have any eyelashes until I die”, nothing would budge it. (Upon reflection, the acceptance of it opened the doorway for the right help to emerge as when we move into acceptance we open possibilities previously unavailable). I could feel the anxiety complex that created this habit living in my deep dorsal vagal system and instinctively knew that if the day came for its healing, it would likely send me further into myself than ever before.
Well, I healed it. In one session with someone who just happened across my path to help me-because it was time- it was removed. And what ensued was a powerful healing crisis where I had to experience everything that the old wound was holding in place by the now more dominant healing energy waiting in the wings for this moment. This piece, as suspected, was the gateway to revealing the deeper root of what still haunted me day and night.
This could not have happened sooner as there was not enough medicine, memory or receptivity of God, Love, and Mother within me to heal. I had to stay planted in faith, surrender to rest, writhe in it and receive the healing. This has been in the works for lifetimes. I needed to corporeally understand all of this before I could answer that deeper call and follow it to the Amazon to free what was living at the root of my long standing depression, anxiety and creative block.
So this is a little like a strip tease except I am peeling away armor until I stand naked in front of you with nothing but an honest, and hopefully not too clumsy, attempt to tell this story. The skinny of it is, I unlocked a very old repressed memory about sexual abuse while I was in Peru. I had a hunch. I know the signatures.
I have uncovered layers of this before, but the vision became a trickster and did not provide much healing as it came from an experience in another Ayahuasca ceremony in 2016 but the container I was in was not fully conscious of how to work with these energies. (I talk about repressed memory and psychedelics in greater depth in another article-link at bottom)
Now that I was in the proper setting, mostly within myself, I was gifted this very powerful healing moment, entrusted with it.
Here is the breakdown:
I sat in 12 Ayahuasca ceremonies over a month while dieting a sacred tree. They were all hard and there was one. It was the one I went down there for. After wrestling with the most profound sickness and shame I have ever felt, I stood under the moon as Mother Kali hailed from the sky with her psychic surgeons and extracted the lies and the self doubt and what put them in me.
I could feel the old story, my old self clinging to the old wound identity, trying to get the young victim in me to confess to something- my way. And if you know plant medicine- there really is no “my way”. The more I tried to orchestrate and force the situation the sicker I got-
“what do you need? This little girl needs help! What do you need to tell me!?”
Until I was eaten by the Dark Goddess and the mosquitoes under the Moon so the Grandmothers could take over.-
“This young girl does need help. She needs help learning how to sing. She needs to be heard and held, then bathed in flowers, then sung a song, then told the true story of her life, then to go back out to play with the stars.”
I felt the wisdom in their words but there still was no vision, she still didn‘t emerge. Sometimes we don’t need to be shown. Sometimes God throws us a bone. But more often, for holistic healing to take place, we have to witness the emotion through our consciousness body in order to reframe and free it.
However, what the mysterious genius of the shamanic realm, the Moon and the plants did was open my psyche and prepare me for the healing ready to happen that came the next night in my dream space. I had to be knocked out asleep in order to witness my subconscious through a string of nightmares.
After the first nightmare, I almost blew this whistle they give us for emergencies as I was shaking and on the edge of mental insanity upon waking. It was 4am. I have never {consciously} felt such a fear, but someone living in me has. Rather than completely lose myself, something else lit up. I got stone still and quiet. I stopped time. I heard a voice say “Grandaughter, what have we taught you? Remember the Truth and that there is always another option.” I went to my altar. I lit a candle. I stared at the light in that candle, clamored for it with my gaze. I burned incense everywhere, scared the cockroaches away.
I said a prayer. I smoked a pipe.
I sang. And sang. And sang.
I could feel the patterns of manipulation woven into my DNA from the long reign of malicious fear that must convince the victim that they are crazy to a life threatening mental degradation. (I believe “mental illness”is long standing repressed memory and trauma-especially in women) This is not light stuff my friends. I did not exactly know what that first nightmare was pointing to yet, but there was a hell realm, an angry man and a 9 year old hiding from him deep inside of me. I came to realize later that the hell realm was her coming out from hiding, trying to get my attention, and he was pissed- “because it was time- because there was enough medicine”- she was coming forward.
She couldn’t emerge before because there was not enough conscious differentiation between my truth and my trauma to free her.
I was then knocked into a sleep trance at around 5am and that was when the final nightmare emerged. I held a young girl/woman who told me the most terrifying thing you could ever say to a child, but she did not reveal who or where. There were many other elements in the dream around men and fear, but there she was in my arms.
Here is why I could endure this:
I have a profound ability to surf the subconscious back to the root of duality where the original split happened. It’s my gift. I came to Earth “armed” with a heart full of compassion and the memory of Sacred Law. I am in contact with the truth about myself and my ancestors- the people of the First Song.
That young one in me could never be free if the story I kept telling was the one of the horror and abuse in my family line. Because that is not even the true story of the abusers. If I had awoken from that nightmare asking questions like:
Who was it? What happend exactly? Where? When? - The healing would never happen because that was not the medicine. If it was, that would have been revealed. The medicine was to feel it, but not feed it, and love it free. Because it is a circumstance. A trauma. An event that overshadowed the true story and it’s no one’s fault.
I could have spun into assuming it was my father because the circumstances and events of my life point that way. Or my uncle- OMG was it my mother?! See!? The mind and the memory- loop de loop into rabbit holes. It was all of them because it came through EVERY person in my family line.
Not one person in my family tree has sidestepped sexual abuse, violence or oppression in one way or another from people they love and societal conditions forcing them into submission, depression, oppression. And that tells me that whatever placed that twisted spell inside of these family lines was really trying to cover something up- erase it, hurt it, take it, destroy it and then hide it by creating terror if we ever revealed it- to stay in power.
I do not want to look in the eyes of any of the father’s or mother’s who passed this down with blame and disgust. I want to stare down every one of them with a question in my eyes- “what is the story your heart has been longing to tell, who are you really that you were never allowed to be?” I want us to tell the true story. To sing it all free by remembering and grieving and rising in love upon the blessed Earth after the great storm.
This is how we change the current collective story and eradicate the pervasive wounds of addiction, abuse and violence. Essentially what I did unraveled all of the aforementioned wounds from a long epigenetic thread of severe oppression, control and fear that created all of those wounds. This not only repatterns my DNA but helps to repattern the collective DNA. Needless to say I am integrating this if you want to send me a little hallelujah love prayer through the ethers.
When there is compound terror living in a nervous system, personally and collectively, then the creative genius, the innate gift, the magic, medicine and song of a people can’t find its way out to the world because it is being subdued inside of a repeat fight and flight loop. The multidimensional senses, the shamanic vision and the soul’s gift need a centered nervous system rooted to its inherent power source in order to stand strong against the nefarious poisons of doubt and fear. Vital life energy is used up when the nervous system is on high alert all of the time.
Fear attracts fear and thus that is the web we weave, why addiction and suicide rank top as causes of death in the US and how sexual abuse is so common that people are aloof and numb to its prevalence- all the way down to the “boys will be boys” mentality that is fully accepted in our society.
The story is not that I went to Peru to recover a repressed memory of horrific sexual abuse so I could confront my attacker(s), wherever they are in time and space. I went to Peru to fully recover the repressed memory of what I am made of, of the drum of my ancestors, of the true story under all of the circumstances and painful events that have been endured for over 10,000 years. And, in order to do that, I had to first be submerged into a nightmare because I carry the wisdom to decode its language. Nightmares don’t scare me. They peak my curiosity. I understand the lexicon of the psyche, of trauma’s mysterious ability to turn us towards a love story. If we can “watch our storms like a tree”- we rebuild the circles of wisdom still dancing around the First Flame of Truth waiting to be remembered by all of us. Xo
WHY I AM SPEAKING ABOUT THIS
The veils have lifted. There is a flood of universal wisdom pouring in from multiple dimensions. As this intelligence rises up through the people there will be an emergence of shadows from inside our individual and collective subconscious. The root causes of the atrocities of abuse, addiction and violence will become more visible because addressing them is paramount for a New Earth. However, we don’t address the shadows with a fight. We empower ourselves with more truth and let it pour into our lives.
With the popular psychedelic renaissance dancing to the forefront of our healing technologies, understanding the quantum and individual psyche is vital for navigating the field of psychedelic healing. We are not dealing with benign wounds, nor are we dealing with minuscule medicine.
What we believe we know about healing, especially with psychedelic plants, will continue to be flipped on its head. The research is fascinating and helping to inspire millions and there is no research that surpasses a lived experience or that can touch into these dimensions as research can’t “feel”. I know that the greatest understanding of these realms comes when we lean in, listen to the wisdom within the body and learn from the Master under our feet that houses every story of creation within Her womb.
LAWS OF HEALING
There is a ripe time. Some seeds are planted deep for a reason. Healing is multidimensional. You are a continual spiral of evolutionary potential having a human experience. There are stages of healing. Healing happens through the body. Death is a healing modality. You don’t heal alone. There is not just one path, and there are tried and true allies, healing modalities and ways of life that walk you down the path. You gotta feel it to heal it. There are some things that you can hand over to God. Your gift and your song are your medicine. Love is the only medicine that heals. Your gift and your song are expressions of that Love.
The foods, waters and medicines of Mother Gaia are made to heal you when they come from healing sources. And, if you don’t have access to good sources then pray to your food and water. Pray anyway.
You must rest.
Total healing is a return to Source to guide and sustain your life and closing the wound of separation. It is allowing Mother in to nourish and sustain your path on Earth and letting go of what that looks like- but keep your dream alive. Total healing is letting in the Love that has never abandoned you. It is befriending your humanity and reframing your story. Total healing requires making amends with death. Total healing is your birthright.
When we stay in a mindset of fixing the body, we alienate the ally within our bodies and prolong our healing. The body knows, it is made of every miraculous bit of stardust that has died to the dark night and risen to new life throughout immeasurable time. It is made from the Womb that holds the codes of regeneration - of Mother and divine feminine wisdom. A return to the body wisdom is a return to that Mother wisdom that we have all been denied under a regime of confusion spewing stories of fear around sustenance and healing- and Death.
We are a reflection and fractal of everything. We are gardens for the Universe, and like any gardener knows, the seeds don’t sprout without enough fertile soil. It is no different for our bodies.
Your healing will happen when you are ready to let go, when there is a foundation to hold the healing and not a moment before. The body only releases and heals what it knows it has the medicine and strength for. The old chords may need to be cut multiple times until healthy attachments can take their place.
Each soul is on a path that extends past Earth time. The work and healing done here on Earth amplifies the collective Universal grid back to a more harmonious song. The stars shift, the personal and collective astrologies reveal the gifts hiding behind the karmic contracts embedded within them, and an evolutionary jump in unity consciousness becomes more bioavailable for every aspect of Life.
Are you dreaming what is possible? Are you feeding the soil with your love song for life?
Beloved, don’t go scrutinizing your every action as if some heavy hand of karma is waiting for you to fall from grace. And no, what happened was not your fault. Please be so gentle with yourself. Yet, your life circumstances are your sacred homework- write yourself a great myth- the Goddess gives really good grades for that ;). There is no purgatory. Rest into your heart, listen to its guidance, wrestle your demons- let them win, and love yourself free by seeking Truth- your way.
Thank you so much for being with me here, through the very intimate and intricate details and as I try to put words to the journey of a woman’s return to love. We can now return to our regularly scheduled programming on Her Many Faces.
And so it is.
Relevant posts: Repressed Memory and Psychedelics | Plant Revival and Mother God
Laws of Healing